There's a common saying that goes like this: you are what you eat. This aphorism is debatable, but more or less true. I've come to realize though that this statement not only applies to person's physical health, but also their behavior. That's why I would argue that "you are what you watch" would be a more applicable and impactful aphorism to a person's life, because it certainly applies to mine.
Now before lesbian-undertone anime could influence my psyche, a certain play I saw set the stage for the notion of being lesbian to enter my Mormon brain. And that play was Little Happy Secrets by Melissa Leilani Larson. I saw it around April 2009. I took a script-writing class from her for 2 weeks then backed out like a coward because I lack the creativity to come up with my own original story and characters. She's freaking awesome and I love and respect her even though I only got to know her briefly.
Anyway, Little Happy Secrets is about a woman named Claire who's a Mormon returned missionary. After she returns home from being away for a year and a half, she shares an apartment with her best friend and roommate Brennan. Problem is Claire thinks she may feel a deeper love for Brennan than friendship, but this tortures her because such feelings are against her beliefs. Not to mention Brennan's obsessed with dating some guy who isn't right for her, but jumps into the relationship anyway because sex is appealing (yeah the play addresses the stereotype that some Mormons want to get married mainly to have sex without breaking a church commandment).
So when Brennan shows affection for Claire in the typical way girls do--i.e. hugging, laying on the other's shoulder, etc.--it tortures Claire emotionally, physically, and spiritually (as you hear from her inner monologue) to point that when her friend falls asleep on her lap one night, she gives her a kiss. This of course freaks Brennan out and they don't talk for a while and separate.
The part that really struck me about this play though was when Claire talks to her sister about her feelings. Funny enough, I came out to my sister in my family first too, though she kind of deduced it cause we're best friends. Anyway, her sister brings up the point that maybe Claire just hasn't met the right guy and that's why she feels that way. Claire agrees that it's a possibility, but still she feels this way about her best friend, so she prays about getting strength to bear through it. The ending is weird...it's left open on whether or not Claire and Brennan reunite or not.
This scene was especially meaningful to me because I hadn't had feelings for guys either. It comforted me to think hey, maybe it's because I haven't met the right guy. But the thing is that the play also posits that a woman can have romantic feelings for other women if she hasn't liked guys most her life. So with that juxtaposition creating doubt about where my feelings stood, the possibility that I could be gay sat in the back of my mind until later cultivated by feminism and exploring a new anime genre.
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Now that the barrier of homosexuality was penetrated through means of appealing to my Mormon sensibilities, I was free to think that it's not totally wrong or weird or uncommon to be gay and Mormon. But the chain of events that led me to watch the show that started my foray into deviant sexuality began after I created my university's Anime club in Fall 2009. What facilitated my acceptance and curiosity in same-gender attraction before the anime the most was learning about feminism and LGBT theory in the critical theory class I took that fall.
It's funny, at first I thought feminism was utter BS and that males don't oppress women in the ways the textbook detailed, but then I thought about it more. That's when I realized that my life experiences were shaped in a detrimental way by the attitudes described in the thoery. Society's traditional views of gender roles caused countless amounts of sorrow, loneliness and doubt throughout my life. Realizing this made me bitter about most men, and how being a "tomboy" (and overweight) gets you treated like an outcast just because of these arbitrary ideas of masculinity and femininity
With this indignation festering in my mind, the fateful anime club meeting that occurred December 1, 2009 came around. One of the members suggested we watch an anime that had broadcasted in Japan about 5 months ago, but was available to English speakers through fansubbing. We decided at the time it'd be ok to show because it hadn't been licensed in America yet and therefore wouldn't violate copyright laws.
So at that particular meeting, we ended up watching K-ON!, a shojo slice-of-life anime about 5 girls attending an all-girls high school who form a "light music" club. Throughout the course of the show, they overcome various life challenges together like school work, the meaning of friendship, overcoming human weaknesses, dealing with emotions, etc. Most of the show takes place in the clubroom after class, where they eat treats, drink tea and practice for their After School Tea Time (the name of their band) school festival performances.
Before this point in time, I had mostly stuck to watching anime in the shonen genre, where men and women alike interacted and had epic adventures together. In these animes, I would generally see some hints of romantic feelings, making me gleefully imagine the possibilities of various characters getting romantically involved with each other.
However, K-ON! was different; it had no men to speak of and had hints of romantic feelings among multiple characters. It was subtle enough that I could appreciate the semi-lesbian dynamic among the cast of funny characters. I also loved how they were friends despite their different personalities. Essentially, K-ON! portrayed a high school life that I wish I had experienced, so I really connected with the characters and their experiences.
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| From left to right: Ritsu, Mio, Azusa, Yui, Mugi. Ritsu's hinted to have a thing for Mio and vice versa. Yui's hinted to have a thing for Azusa and vice versa. Mugi's shown to be hot for their club adviser and teacher Sawako. |
I can't entirely recall why, but this left an impact on me, and after I watched it all, I kept the images of the girls' feelings for each other in my mind. Perhaps watching the movie and reading the book The Hours for my Critical Theory class is why it continued to linger in my mind. Yeah...choosing to read something as gay as that book definitely gets you thinking about the subject deeply. This is doubly true if you have to write a 10-page analysis paper of what those relationships mean in LGBT/feminism context.
After completing the paper though, when I reflected on K-ON! between completing the series until the time season 2 came out, I concluded that there was undeniably a deeper connection between the characters besides friends, and that I supported it. Well kind of supported it; my Mormon upbringing wouldn't let me outright support it and admit such a taboo appealed to me deep down.
It was probably this lingering curiosity and suppression that prompted me to buy Maria Holic at Anime Fannatiku 2010 (that, and it was $20). I justified the purchase to myself by reasoning that yeah, it says right there on the back it's about a girl who's lesbian because she's allergic to men...but she was forced to think that way due to her allergy, and the girl she likes ends up being a cross-dressing guy, so it'll be ok. In reality though, it was an excuse for me to fulfill my actual desire to see more funny anime that had more of the yuri element K-ON! had.
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But I'm jumping ahead of myself. Before I had actually gotten around to watching that anime, I found out K-ON! season 2 was airing in Japan from a friend of mine. He didn't want to watch it with me though, and I wasn't aware of free anime sites yet, so I put off watching it to completion until it was done airing in September. Not only that, but I had a study abroad trip to London I had to focus on getting ready for. However, the first few episodes we watched together got me excited about seeing more of these crazy girls' antics, even though admittedly the episodes were boring compared to the first season. This is probably why I put off watching season 2 after I got back from England until most of it got done airing. I had hope the series would get better though.
So once I had finally watched it all in September, I found myself pretty disappointed in the consistently mediocre quality throughout the season. There were moments that made it worth it though, one of which made me happy and angry at the same time. This was the Romeo and Juliet performance arc, where my favorite ship, Mio and Ritsu, played the lead roles. I was ecstatic; I had just studied and saw Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare's hometown a few months ago, and knew quite well that they had to kiss. They didn't though, they just hugged! I felt jipped!
But that's not all of the atrocities of that arc, nooo. If the play wasn't an excuse to get them to kiss, then a more appropriate Shakespeare play for K-ON! would be A Midsummer Night's Dream. It was an absolutely perfect fit (see other reasons why in my author notes here) because they switch love interests and act lovey-dubby toward each other without any physical contact necessarily. It's also a play that can be performed by only 8 people. Alas though, I don't think Japan learns about more Shakespeare plays than Romeo and Juliet, though I have seen Midsummer appear in other animes. Just depends on what each anime creator knows I guess.
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To be continued...
LDS beliefs on being gay and my opinion about it:
Recently the LDS church finally released a website about being gay and mormon. I've yet to delve into the website thoroughly, but I'm hoping it will explain the reasons behind the church's stance other than god said being gay is a sin. I've got my own interpretation for the reasons why the church thinks being it's a sin, and while the reasons may seem unsatisfactory and shallow to most, I believe the LDS stance on the issue to be as valid as anyone else's stance.
Many call the Christian belief on being gay "wrong" and thus disregard and even scorn its views on the issue. I think people forget though that this is America--many originally came here for the religious freedom to believe what they want without persecution. By calling someone's belief "wrong" or "stupid" you are outright disrespecting all humans' inherit right to believe what they want to believe. Not only that, by hating those who think gay marriage and sex is sinful, you are no better than them by criticizing what they believe right back. So next time you want to say, "I hate people who don't support gay marriage," realize that you are no better than those who say, "I hate gay people."
Hate only breeds more hate, but kindness and understanding breeds only more kindness. I learned that lesson a few years ago when an upstanding guy refused to hate on me despite the fact I was hating on someone he liked. When I asked him why he was nice to me, he told me he was told long ago that "kindness only breeds more kindness," and I'll never forget the impact of how his decision to practice that dissolved my hatred for as long as I live. Thanks to him, I now strive to live my life by the same principle.
That's why all views on an issue should be allowed to exist whether or not you share another person's point of view. There's no objective way of telling what idea is absolutely right or absolutely wrong because all cultures have different beliefs on what is right or wrong. We need to accept all people, regardless of that they believe, and not take offense to their right to believe what they want to believe. My friend Kelly summed up this idea very nicely. He posted this as his status update during the Chick-fil-A controversy:
"People are really refusing to eat chick-fil-a because the owner supports the traditional family unit...like really? This person has always thought this and everyone ate it with no problems. It's chicken, eating it won't make you hate gay people. I promise you support people that hate gays everyday. Stop being so ignorant and hateful. You are [only] contributing to the problem."
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The above said, I realize that when someone disagrees with what you believe to be right, it's very easy to be overcome with anger and hatred for that person for thinking that way. Just look at the "wear pants to church day" page, there's lots of anger towards those who think the church should change and those who don't. Both views are informed by the fact they think there's an authority backing them up, in this case it's the current way the church is structured.
But in other debates, people believe science and evidence to be on their side, thus they get mad that the other person is questioning hard facts.
So if you read what follows and think, "this person's an idiot and completely wrong," there's a good chance you're right. My opinion on the matter is based on what I've observed and learned, so I could be wrong about what I'm going to say about the Mormon beliefs on homosexuality. So whether or not you get angry and disagree with me, I won't get angry with you for believing whatever it is you believe about it. Feel free to point out what I've got egregiously wrong by leaving a comment on this page or emailing me. My email's on my profile page.
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Now that you've read why I have an open mind to all opinions concerning gay marriage, I'll proceed to discuss my interpretation for why Mormons believe it's wrong to be in a sexual relationship with the same gender. Then I will discuss how those beliefs have affected how I view and accept my own bisexuality.
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To start off, I want to clarify that it is possible to be gay and Mormon. You can be attracted to and have romantic feelings for someone of the same-sex, it's ok to feel that way. But there is a difference between just feeling that love and acting upon that love physically with another person. So the problem comes when that person has sex with the same gender. If they don't repent and stop that behavior, then they're likely to get excommunicated from the church.
Based on my experience and reading what people had to say on the Understanding Same-Gender Attraction group before I got kicked out, being gay will eventually lead you to not practicing Mormon beliefs and even resenting them, thus you stop being Mormon. Therefore it's generally safe to assume that if you're gay and Mormon, then someday you won't be. There are some people who can keep their desires in check, heck just look at that website, but I'd say the majority ultimately think denying such strong feelings is not right.
I think the majority leave eventually because you're constantly bombarded with a dichotomy of accepting and rejecting yourself.
(more to be added between the above and below points)
Lastly, I want to address one of the sentences in the statement at the top of the Mormons and gays page:
"Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them."
First of all, I wonder if the church is just saying that so they don't alienate those with the widely-held belief that some people don't choose to be gay. As far as I can tell, sexuality isn't something we're all born with, it's something we learn and acquire. Sure all may be born with a basic sexual instinct, but people vary when it comes to the stages of developing sexual awareness. How else would you explain those who have absolutely no romantic interest in either sex? Or those who discover their sexuality at the age of 5 versus rather than 20 or younger?
We are all human beings, and as such we change and grow constantly. After all, I don't think anyone has the same beliefs and personality that they had as a child because experiences change our perceptions of reality. If people are capable of changing their mind, then why wouldn't they also have the ability to change their mind about their sexual preferences as they learn and experience new things?
Perhaps there's something innate in some people who look at people of their gender and think they're attractive, but this usually doesn't occur outside of being told you'll like the opposite gender someday. Either that, or a person has enough negative experiences with people of the opposite sex that they seek companionship in the same sex. So unlike the opposite sex, they are accepted by the same-sex, so they're therefore inclined to have romantic feelings for them.
But to develop sexual attraction to the same sex, I think people have to consciously or subconsciously ask themselves, "Am I attracted to the same sex?" Then when they do they have to go exploring and usually talk to someone or watch something that promotes homosexuality. When that consideration pervades their thoughts long enough, they may ultimately develop feelings for the same-sex. There are some people that no matter how long they're exposed will have a state of mind that just won't accept the sexual appeal of the same-gender.
So as far as the LDS church goes, as far as I can tell it believes . The reason why I think this is their belief is because it tends to think of lust or attraction to another person as a temptation. If you're married to someone and think of having sex with them, it's not considered a temptation to sin because you're committed to that person. A temptation is something that can be battled and eventually leave or diminish in your thoughts.
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